guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
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