i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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