Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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