On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
