I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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