I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
