the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
