I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Randomize
