I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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