Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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