I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
