I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
