we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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