I'm going to rape someone's good day.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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