how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
