I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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