after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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