Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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