i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
