guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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