I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
