Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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