There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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