as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
