Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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