just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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