i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
