he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
