the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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