she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
