TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
