my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
