I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
