Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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