If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
