It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
