I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
A bitchslap is in order.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
