There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
