drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
