I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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