I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize