i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
