do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
