We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
