Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We need to rekindle our bromance
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
