You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
