Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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