shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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