Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
