She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
