I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize