well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
