She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
