So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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