I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
