The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
